


How Alexander Seawoll Completely Sucked at Something

by Zoya1416



Category: Rivers of London
Genre: Anal Sex, Anal sex treated realistically, Crack, F/M, I did say gross, gross humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 00:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11219853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya1416/pseuds/Zoya1416
Summary: Alexander Seawoll decides to expand his sexual repertoire and reads on the internet.





	How Alexander Seawoll Completely Sucked at Something

**Author's Note:**

> In which the author has read one too many of a certain kind of fic. No Britpick at all.

Alexander Seawoll considered himself a sexual expert, which would have surprised any of the ladies who'd known him for long. He decided to become even better and started reading surreptitiously about advanced sexual techniques. He found many online tales which informed him that anal sex was not only gratifying to the man who performed it, but to his partner also. So he memorized everything he'd read about how to do this, with what supplies, and the exact way to prepare someone. His next adventures fell thusly:

 

Alfie: “No.”  
“I've got plenty of lube and I've read all about it, I'll be careful.”  
“NO!”

He departed with a huff.

 

Betty: “Okay, I'll try. Ouch! I guess my hemorrhoids are acting up again. Sorry.”

He left, wondering if he should have suggested trying again after she used Preparation H. 

 

Galadriel, cheerfully: “Okay, let's do it!” 

Alexander did prep and carefully inserted one finger a little way.

“Oooh, sorry, it makes me want to go to the toilet. Guess that's because I'm so constipated.” She smiled at Alexander who unhappily looked at his finger and decided he should have been wearing rubber gloves.

He hurried away. 

 

Delly, after having had the idea of, ah, internal cleaning explained to her: “Great, see you tomorrow.” The next day, she greeted Alexander with a “Hey, come on in,” and a big smile. “Whew, that mag citrate really runs through a girl. Back in a bit.” 

He sat on the sofa, unhappily hearing sounds from the toilet area. 

Delly emerged, drying her hands. “I'm good to go. You'll have to scoot out of here at 4 am, though.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I have to be at the clinic at 5 for my colonoscopy.”

“Colonoscopy?”

“Yeah, I decided why waste a good bowel prep. I was lucky they could get me in. I'm done with the cleanout now, though. Ooops, wait, no I guess I'm not. Back in a jiffy.”

He gagged and disappeared.

 

Eppie: “Oh, yes, this is great! I love this. Wait here.”

Alexander waited smugly, glad he'd found the perfect woman. When Eppie returned, she was carrying two...objects...with her. They were almost cylindrical. One was about 20 cm tall and the other around 25. One was pink, the other dark brown. The shapes were unmistakable.

Eppie pressed the on button for the dildos, smiling.

“Here we go! Which color do you want me to use?”

He fled into the night, trying to unsee the horror. 

 

Later, in the pub, he stared moodily into his pint and asked the bartender, “Whoever thought missionary wasn't good enough anyway?”

The bartender smiled winningly at him and said, “I can be your missionary.” He winked at Alexander.

He choked, knocked over his bar stool and smashed his groin into it on the way down. Home after A&E, he eased back onto his bed, carefully applied an ice bag, and deleted his AO3 account.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to hold on to enough good taste not to post this, but sadly failed.


End file.
